But
how, asks the parent, shall I show this spirit of love which I
acknowledge is the spirit whereby God rules heaven, and Jesus Christ
holds, my heart? It seems to me that my children ought to know that 1
love them and be mindful that I provide for them; and if they would
only think, they might know that it gives me nothing but pain to
punish them.
But,
reader, it is very possible that your children do not know as much
as they ought to, and it is quite sure that they do not think as much
as they ought to; and if they did, they might be very likely to
think, for ought they discover, that you punish them in the same
spirit in which they seek to enforce their wills among one another.
Suppose your Heavenly Father proceeded on a similar assumption in his
dealings with you, and with all the family of man. He could surely do
it with much more righteousness.
Suppose
he had said of this lost race, when he first entertained the thought
of displaying his love to effect our redemption — why should I do
this? They ought to know that I love them — that I built the earth,
and garnished it for their dwelling place — that I up hold them,
and give them all they have. If they would only think, they must know
that, as I live 1 have no pleasure in the death of the wicked.
This
was not the language that was used in heaven. It might all be true
and just, but God condescended to show us his love — to declare his
pity, and to stoop to our blindness; and Jesus Christ stooped even
unto death, in his accommodation to our depravity, that he might
convince us — of what was written as plain as noonday, above us, if
we would only look — that "God so loved the world." Now
we see it; it touches our hearts: the voice of love, speaking from
Calvary, awakens our love; and the displeasure qf such love, we
cannot endure; we fly every sin that wounds it. It is verily true
that we never should have been reclaimed, had not God condescended to
our blindness, and wrought out, in blood, the demonstration that he
loved us.
Throughout
the foregoing remarks, it will be observed that the Heavenly Model of
a Christian Family has been kept constantly in view. The author
trusts that it has not been consulted in vain; and that the view of
it will not fail to be instructive to parents who desire to be
followers of God in the duties of their parental relations, as well
as in their personal characters.
If
what has been said is just, it cannot fail to appear, as a necessary
prerequisite to filial obedience, THAT THE AFFECTIONS OF THE CHILD
BE CONCENTRATED UPON THE PARENTS ABOVE ALL EARTHLY persons or
objects. True obedience must have its origin in love; and as the
obedience required in this relation is of the highest earthly nature,
so the love subsisting here should be the strongest.
Parents
should use every lawful endeavour to cultivate the affections of
their children, that leading them in the habits of early filial
piety, they may prepare them for a higher piety toward their Eternal
Father. And as God cultivates your obedience by appealing to and
exciting and strengthening your love; so do to your children. Do
something more than provide for their wants; stoop in numberless ways
to show them that you love them. Since God accommodates his demonstrations to your criminal blindness; much more should you condescend to
the feeble minds of your children. Use every endearment to win them
to you. Never turn from them suddenly, or receive them coldly, as
they run to greet your approaching footsteps. Teach them, not only
that they may, but that you expect them to be joyful at the sound of
your coming. Let them caress you; and then, caress them in return. It
is unworthy of you, as a parent, to call this trifling business: for
it is hard to find many things so important. It is more important
than your money. God thus stoops to us; giving us every day some
extra to kens of his love; winning us by unexpected, unmerited
pains. And when, in like manner, you win your children, and convince
them, by demonstrations adapted to their understanding and ad
dressing their hearts, that you delight in their love — then, you
may expect them to delight in your smiles and to grieve at the tokens
of your dis pleasure — then, if, for any misdemeanor, they see, not
sternness, but sadness and sorrow clothing your anxious brow, and
shrouding its wonted smiles, they will feel the rebuke, and seek not
to grieve you again.
It
is delightful to witness those families where the tokens of parental
displeasure which, per chance, from time to time, are needful, take
effect upon the children's hearts, and draw forth tears of
child-like, affectionate penitence. Who does not see that such
parents have a mighty hold on filial obedience; and that, by a wise
culture, they are laying, in these infantile exercises of their
children towards themselves, a promising foundation of gospel
penitence and contrition, for the full developments of which we
may look, with some reasonable expectation, when the child's
enlarged and chastened conceptions begin to apprehend its relations
to its Heavenly Father?
Remember,
then, that with the successful cultivation of the obedience, you
must unite the cultivation of the affections of your children. Then
your discipline will avail. Whereas, on the other hand, correction
will only prove an irksome restraint, of short duration, from which
they will violently break loose in future years.
Avoid
any words or tones, in addressing your children, but those that are
replete with kindness. In this, also, the example of our Heavenly
Father instructs us. There is an inexpressible tenderness pervading
all his remonstrances against the sins of his people. While he
threatens judgments, and sore chastisements, he yet remembers mercy,
and promises to return unto them, if they will return unto him. "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your
sins be as scarlet they shall be as white as snow; though they be red
like crimson they shall be as wool." Let the parent whose tones
of reproof are harsh and forbidding, turn and read the fifty-fourth
chapter of Isaiah, and ponder its heavenly spirit, and ask himself
for what he would consent that such language be banished from the
Bible.
And
now, beloved parent, if you would be like God — if you would keep
him before your eyes as the great prototype of the parental relation
— then guard your words, and let every tone be love. This may be
enjoined as an universal rule; whether you are making a requisition,
or reproving for disobedience. If you speak, speak pleasantly; speak
moderately; for often hasty words are mistaken for angry ones. If
you have a requisition to make of a child which you think may be unpleasant, make it with peculiar kindness of tone; if there is a
reluctance, and you have to command, look pleasant while you do it;
and let your accents, while they are firm, have much of the music of
love. If you are compelled to correct, do not be content to say that
you are pained, but let it be shown, in the tones and looks of continuing, unchanging love. And let the beginning, and the middle, and the
end of the contest find you in the possession of the same love. When
the child yields a cheerful obedience, then smile upon it, and stoop
to tell it, in its own simple language, how sad you did feel.
"Provoke
not your children to wrath;" do not be peevish; do not be
fretful; do not be stern with your children. Our Heavenly Father is
not so with us. When he corrects us, the Spirit whispers, "Whom he loveth, he chasteneth."
The
following anecdote, from the Mother's Magazine, vol. vii. p. 263, is
too apposite to be omitted. "Conversing the other day with an
interesting little girl, between the ages of six and seven, I took
occasion to impress upon her mind the debt of gratitude due from her
to her heavenly Parent for bestowing upon her so good and kind a
father, whom everybody loves. I was perfectly thunder-struck by her
answer. Looking me full in the face with her soft blue eyes, she
replied, 'He never speaks kind to me.' Perhaps this Christian father,
harassed with the cares of business, was unconscious that he had
roughly checked the fond attentions of his child; — but could
cares, or the interruptions of his child, excuse unkindness, or a
total want of tokens of endearment? Will fathers examine their habits
on this point?"
It
will aid all parents, who feel, under the first impulse, fretted by
the fond and well meant interruptions of an affectionate child, to
think, ere they repel the intrusion, of their own childlike relation
to an Heavenly Father. The thought will lead them to hear the words,
or receive the short caress, and then dismiss the unwitting intruder
with a smile of reciprocated love. So we would have our Father do.
Manifest
forbearance toward your children; for a relentless spirit is the last
that fallen man should exhibit to a fellow creature. Forgive your
children, and restore them to your confidence — even as your
Father forgiveth you.
Parents,
especially fathers, should seek, as much as possible, to be with
their children. Remember that home has claims which, in their sphere,
are not secondary to the claims of the counting house, or the shop.
Some parents are necessarily absent more than others; but all should
remember that if they would have their children's affections, they
must give those children some of their time and attention. Our
Heavenly Father communes with his children.
Thus,
by this manifestation of uniform parental tenderness, there is
reasonable hope that the affections of the child will be developed,
and there will be laid the true and permanent foundation of filial
obedience.
But
to possess and manifest this uniform spirit of love, requires great
vigilance and self-control on the part of the parent. He must seek
daily, at the foot of the cross, to be imbued with the spirit of
heaven. As an abiding disposition, it is of the grace of God. The
father of the house- hold must draw nigh unto the Father of all. And
when, christian parents, you do this and discharge your duties in any
good measure as they have been described — then you will have
indeed introduced into the government of your families, the same
great principles and spirit by which the Eternal Father governs his
children; — you will have faithfully modeled your family after the
heaven above, that it may be, in itself, a little heaven on earth.
Erastus
Hopkins Chapter 8 of The Family a Religious Institution, or,
Heaven Its Model, Troy, NY, 1840
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